“Installing a hitch can be one of the easiest modifications you can do to your own vehicle.”

I don’t know where I heard that, like inception that idea was planted deep within my psyche, slowly but insidiously until it consumed all other thoughts, yet try as I might, I could find no trace or recollection of how I came upon that belief. It was an idyllic vision, to carry the bicycles of my passengers to Burning Man so that we may rideth in comfort across the “playa”, so naturally I jumped at the chance to throw cash at shiny new toys. I was so full of unexamined confidence and purpose.

“… so including labor, that comes out to $1092.”

Ha.

Not on your life Subaru Parts Manager… more like $263 from an online retailer delivered to my freaking doorsteps. I read the online PDF and bookmarked a dozen DIY youtube videos, all I had to do was take a look at the videos after the boxes got delivered to my address.

How hard could it be?

“Wow, there’s a lot of metal drilling involved here, isn’t there?” I thought to myself, “Especially considering the instructional comes with a picture of a giant drill in a no sign overlaid with giant words reading NO DRILLING REQUIRED”. I was still at this point, cautiously optimistic, so I plunged in.

My most immediate problem was the removal of two giant mufflers which impeded any sort of access to the frame of my car, and in all honesty, I could probably cut this story short by pointing out that I never managed to do this and that every single goddamn problem I had stemmed from this failure. It was insanely stupid. I started off with a dusty old 12V drill I found, but regardless of what combination of wrenches, socket, ratchet, or otherwise, I could not get the damn mufflers disconnected from the exhaust pipes. I went to a hardware store to pick up an 18V, then a high impact drill, but nothing worked. I briefly considered a pneumatic torque wrench, but the $5000 price tag somewhat defeated the purpose of doing your own automotive work. It wasn’t until the next day, in the light of the morning dawn, that I saw that the bolts appeared to be rusted through and stripped, a surprising casualty and something I wish I had noticed hours before.

And that was basically it. Over the course of the next few days I tried all sorts of alternate solutions, such as attempting to drill a 5/8th of an inch hole in a steel beam using a power drill at a 45 degree angle with a metal can the size of a computer impeding my vision and motion. Or perhaps, prying off the rubber bands suspending the mufflers so I can bend them out of the way, which is completely within manufacturer’s tolerance, a deep conviction and faith in the Bible tells me. Or seeing if I can just glue the damn thing on. It wasn’t that the activity was complex or difficult, but rather that I was simply not equipped to deal with the problem and in the face of repeated and unrelenting failure, I endured and preserved for hours on end, because when all else fails, spite prevails.

I ended up taking off the rear bumper, which was it’s own little drama of trying to understand how these damn “popit” clips worked. Couldn’t even find a decent description online, people just glossed over the concept as if everyone knew. It wasn’t until I literally tore one off then dissected it in an alien autopsy that I discovered you simply wedge a flathead into the tip to pop the stopper out that I finally got the bumper cover off. I then used a piece of wire to thread each bolt into a hole in the frame, using smaller carriage bolts I bought with jury rigged washers instead of wide head flange nuts because I couldn’t get in and drill holes for the proper bolts. I’m not exactly sure what the load capacity of zinc plated low carbon steel is compared to chrome plated high carbon steel or stainless alloy, and how much difference 1/8th of an inch in diameter makes, but that’s for the driver behind me to find out as I’m going 90 mph on the freeway.

God I hope that holds.

Oh, also the actual installation of the hitch was done in a sea of ants crawling over every inch of my skin, a horror worthy of Lovecraft. Granted, these ants were very tiny so the bites weren’t too painful and produced no swelling despite being incredibly numerous and incredibly maddening, and once the insanity died down, I found it helped me focus. Also later that day I covered a half acre area with ant spray.

Like I said, when all else fails, spite prevails.